10 things I've learned from the first year of parenthood

Yesterday, my daughter Eden turned one.  Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been reflecting on the past year and wrote some things down that I have learned since becoming a father.  Perhaps you are a young parent yourself, or are going to be soon.  I hope that as I share it will be helpful for you to hear a few things that I’ve learned during the first year of parenthood.

Before I begin though, I have to say, these are just my experiences.  I promise you this is not another “HERE IS WHAT EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO DO AND EXPERIENCE OR THEY ARE WRONG” blog post.  Parenthood is not a one-size-fits-all experience, as everyone’s situation is different.  All I can do is share from my experience.  If nothing else, it has been helpful for me to pause during this season and simply reflect.  

So, here they are.  10 things I’ve learned from the first year of parenthood.

10) Almost everything changes

As parenthood was approaching, many people told us that everything changes when the baby comes.  We found that to be mostly true.  Almost everything does change.  It has been the biggest adjustment in my life so far (even more so than marriage).  My schedule changed, priorities changed, sleeping habits changed, ability to eat hot meals together changed, and many other things.  My recommendation is to embrace it.  Embrace the change.  Be okay with it.  Life as a parent is different, and it should be.  You most likely will be frustrated if you don’t accept this major change and try to maintain the same priorities you had before parenthood.

9) There is always something to worry about

Kristi and I would often say to each other, “There is always something.”  There was rarely (if at all) a week during Eden’s first year when everything was going great for her.  There always seemed to be an issue to worry about, whether it was her eating, her sleeping, her pooping (or lack thereof), her teething, her catching colds, you name it.  There was always something to worry about, and we are still learning what to truly be concerned about, and what doesn’t require our attention.

8) Accept the help of others

If you are anything like me, this does not come naturally to you.  I am wired to want to be able to do things on my own.  “I’m the husband/dad and it’s my responsibility” is what I thought a lot.  Yet, there were many people in our lives that truly wanted to help us.  I came to realize that it is actually a blessing to the helpers to help, and truth be told there were some days when we really needed it and couldn’t do it on our own.  If there is a family member or a friend who is wanting to help, my advice would be to find something practical to do.  It will be a blessing to you and to them.

7) There will be times when you don’t know what to do

Kristi and I are two pretty smart people.  We are both college graduates.  And yet, there were days and weeks when we felt completely powerless to make decisions about Eden’s care.  Before parenthood, I was rarely in situations where I really had no idea what to do.  There were many times when we didn't know the right thing to do to care for Eden, or even how to go about making decisions.  In fact, we had medical professionals telling us to do exact opposite things!  How are we supposed to make a decision when the professionals we are supposed to trust are telling us polar opposite solutions?  

I would often get frustrated at myself because I didn’t know what to do.  I would think to myself, “Seriously, there are idiots in this world who are parents, and you can’t figure this out?”.  There are still times when I don’t know what to do, but I suppose I’m more content with that now.  Parenthood is a journey of good and bad decisions, and I will be learning as I go.

 6) Google is your best and worst friend

We live in interesting times.  At no other point in the history of humanity has so much information been so easily accessible.  Inevitably, if you ever experience #7, you will be tempted to seek out answers on the internet.  I must admit, we have found very good advice through the net on how to care for Eden.  One particular connection helped us to identify something that no doctor could identify.  BUT, it has also added a lot of confusion.  You can find any opinion imaginable about every parenting issue.  My advice would be to learn when it is good to seek out information, and when to just trust your gut and make decisions that you think are best (whether good or bad).

5) It’s easy to overlook your spouse

I had heard this was a possibility, but I was surprised as to how easily this happens.  Eden was a challenging infant that required an incredible amount of Kristi’s and my attention.  Our whole world revolved around trying to keep her healthy.  As we were so focused on Eden, there were times when we were not looking to the needs of each other.  I can now see how having children can actually divide a marriage instead of unite it.  I am learning that I need to be intentional with giving Kristi my energy and attention in addition to helping care for Eden. 

 4) Have a plan, and be willing to change it

There are a million different parenting strategies.  You have the Baby-Wise camp, the Attachment camp, the All-Natural camp, and everything in between.  Making decisions all day every day is exhausting, so it’s good to have a strategy that can guide and make your decisions consistent.  We found that it was incredibly helpful for us to have a plan, BUT we had to change it.  There were things that simply weren’t working for us as parents or for Eden in our plan.  One of my biggest pieces of advice is that it is okay to change your plan.  Also, don’t listen to people who claim that their way of parenting is the only way.  It may work well for them, and that’s great.  But it may not work for you, your spouse, or your child.  Plans are great, but you can and should adapt them when situations arise or it’s not working for your personalities.

3) Its very tempting to play the comparison game

This is one of the most surprising things that I have learned.  It is incredibly easy to play the parenthood comparison game.  

Why does their baby weigh more?  
Have you heard that baby sleeps through the night already?  
I can’t believe she’s walking already!  
Why does their baby eat better than mine?  
Those people seem so confident in their parenting.  I wish I was.
Why doesn’t our daughter have any teeth yet when _______ has 10! 

The comparison questions and observations are endless.  What I’ve come to realize is this - God gave us Eden.  He didn’t give us any other baby in the world; He gave us Eden.  To play the comparison game is for me to be discontent with the child God has given us.  You can always find a baby who is doing ‘better’ or is further along developmentally than yours.  It’s simply wasted mental energy.  Be content with the fact that every baby is different, and God has given you the exact one He wants you to care for.

 2) God uses parenthood to sanctify us

The last year was the hardest of my life so far.  I feel like I’m not supposed to say that because its taboo or something, but it’s the raw truth.  It occurred to me that the difficulty I was experiencing was not some sort of mistake made by God.  For some reason, God designed raising infants to be difficult.  I think that it is His way of sanctifying us.  God has taught me a lot about Himself, about my wife, and about myself.   I truly never knew how selfish I was until I became a dad.  God has been painfully peeling back layers of my selfishness through the responsibilities of fatherhood.  Although this last year was a season of difficulty, I can stomach it because I know that I have a loving Father who intends on sanctifying and cleansing me through the challenges I face in fatherhood. 

1) I love my wife, and I love my daughter

Although its been a hard year, it has been a life-giving year.  I’ve discovered a whole new type of love since Eden was born.  My love for her grows each day, and I cannot imagine my life without her.  My love for my wife has also grown in new ways.  I loved her as by bride, and now I also love her as the mother of my child.  Walking with her through the challenges of the first year has shown me her unwavering love for Eden, her strength, her resolve, her beauty, and her sacrificial spirit.  The dynamics of our marriage have changed, but for the better.  She is my hero, my love, my bride.

There are days when I don’t feel that I know many things, but I do know this: I love my wife, and I love my daughter.  I am so grateful to be on this journey with them. 

The Haitian Nation (Walgina)

Perhaps my favorite part of our trip to Port-Au-Prince Haiti was watching Kristi love on a girl named Walgina.

The bond that Kristi and Walgina developed began at the church where our team put on a Vacation Bible School throughout the week.  The first day of VBS, Walgina was dropped off at the church and timidly stood at the entrance of the church, unsure what to make of it all.  Kristi noticed her hesitation to join the group, so she took her by the hand and brought her into the church.  From that point on, Walgina always sought Kristi out.

Each and every day, Walgina would come to the church and look for Kristi.  When we would walk down the street, Walgina would peek her face out of her home and smile when she saw her.  I can remember one instance when Walgina was literally crawling over people in order to get to Kristi's lap during one of the revival services at the church .  Here we have no way of communicating with this child except through our facial expressions, hugs, and laughter, and yet she felt comfortable enough with Kristi to fall asleep on her lap multiple times during the week.

 

Sometimes ministry can feel overwhelming.  In the country of Haiti, there are an estimated 10 million people.  No one knows for sure because the resources are not there to have any kind of census.  Their unemployment rate is over 40%.  The average Haitian generates $1,200 a year.  The percentage of people living under 2 dollars a day is 78%.  It is the poorest country in the western hemisphere.  In 2009, Haiti was ranked the tenth most corrupt country in the world.  There are an estimated 3.5 million children under the age of 14.  Overwhelmed yet?  I know I was. 

And yet in our state of being overwhelmed, God provided ONE child for us to consistently love during the week.  ONE child to fall asleep in Kristi's arms.  ONE child who actually loved back on us.  ONE child who made us feel loved on by our heavenly father.

It is a unique experience to love someone without the possibility of communicating through words.  Our final interaction with Walgina was the afternoon before we left Haiti.  The previous time Kristi had seen Walgina was passing her off to her mom while she was asleep, so we were hopeful to see her one last time as our group took a walk past the church.  Walgina was not out playing in the street, but as we walked away Kristi looked back one more time and saw Walgina poke her head out from behind the tarp that made up the front of her home.  As Kristi waved one final time and blew a kiss goodbye wishing she had the words to tell Walgina she loved her, Walgina stood at her home smiling and nodding, as if to say she understood.  It was a moment that we will remember for a long time.

We believe that God brought Walgina into our lives both for us and for her.  We will continue to pray for her in the years to come.  

When statistics, ministry, and life overwhelm us, let's find our joy in loving the people who God places right in front of us.

The Haitian Nation (Answered Prayers)

Answered Prayers

In our preparations for our trip to Haiti, we asked our supporters to pray for us.  Here is what we asked them to pray for, as well as the answers to them.

- Pray for the Adventures in Missions organization.  Despite our main project leader having to fly back to the U.S. mid-week because of an illness, the other AIM staff were able to problem solve and put us in places where we could minister.

- Pray for spiritual growth and unity with the Goss team of 12.  Not only was this answered for the Goss team, but also for the entire team of 35.  Imagine sharing 2 bedrooms, 2 restrooms, and a shared living space and having ZERO arguments.  That is what happened!  Praise God for the unity he provided!

- Pray for Pastor Anouis, the Haitian pastor who we will be partnering with during our trip.  Although we were not able to spend a lot of time with the pastor, we were able to meet him and hear a little bit of his heart.  He is certainly passionate about the Lord and his community.

- Pray that God would work in and through us.  God certainly worked in us, and we trust that he also worked through us as we obedient to Him during the week.

There were also many prayers during the week that we had not anticipated beforehand.  Additional prayers that were answered during the week include:

-Prayers for the health of the entire team.  The 35 of us had no serious health issues during the week despite no relief from the heat and sleeping on a concrete slab.  The awesomeness of this can't be underestimated!

-Prayers for the healing of one of our teenagers.  One night we prayed very specifically for one of our teens as she was feeling very ill (fever, chills, and stomach upset).  She woke up feeling 100%.  God answered within hours of our prayers.

-Prayers for a diabetic team member.  One of our team members who is severely diabetic had NO problems during the trip.  God controlled her sugar levels and health throughout the week.

-Prayers for shoes and lemons.  One morning, one of our project leaders felt like God impressed the words shoes and lemons on her mind.  She thought it was strange because they are two very different things.  Later that week, one of the crews had a conversation with a family that sold shoes.  They invited them in and, unprompted, the family offered them lemons.  The family later came to where we were staying and visited with us.  Amazing.

-Prayers for a pick-axe.  That same morning, one of our team members felt like God showed him a pick-axe during his prayer time.  Later that day, he was the only one on our team who was handed a pick-axe during our construction time at the church.

We don't often reflect on our past prayers and acknowledge the answers to those prayers.  I hope you are encouraged that we can say with confidence that God heard all our prayers during our experience in Haiti.

The Haitian Nation (The spiritual impact of the earthquake)

The spiritual impact of the earthquake 

Most, if not all of us, remember the images of the Earthquake that rocked the country of Haiti in 2010.  We remember the news coverage, the images of fallen buildings, and the statistics of thousands of lives lost.

To be honest, had the earthquake not happened, we may not have gone on this trip.  I think most of us felt so deeply for the people of Haiti that when the earthquake happened that we wanted to do something, but just didn't know how at the time.  When the opportunity came for us to go this summer, we took it.  One of the reasons we went was so that we could just learn from the Haitians how the earthquake impacted them individually, as well as the country as a whole.  The stories we heard and the way the Haitians explained why the earthquake happened changed our perspective on the event.

Here are a few things we learned about the spiritual impact of the earthquake.

1) The Haitians we spoke to believe that the earthquake was an answer to prayer.  Yes, you read that right.  One of our translators told us that the Haitian president several years ago renewed a pact between the country of Haiti and Satan.  He said that lots of pastors got together and began praying and crying out to God.  He said they specifically asked God to "shake the country of Haiti".  Although I don't think this is what the pastors had in mind, they see the earthquake as an answer to the pastors prayer for God to wake up the Haitians to their need for Him.

2) The Haitians we spoke to accept it.  Simply put, they just accept that the Earthquake happened, God caused it, and God can use it to turn people to Him.  We did not notice bitterness or anger toward God.  Some of the people we talked to had even lost legs in the quake.  One of our translators was one of only a few who survived when the school building he was in collapsed.  They still believed that God was good, and are trying to serve Him with their lives.  Very powerful and challenging.

3) The Haitians we spoke to believe there has been a spiritual awakening since the earthquake.  After the quake, our translators told stories about how there was only one word heard on the streets.  "JESUS!  JESUS!  JESUS!"  Believers and non-believers alike cried out to Jesus Christ in their moment of despair.  Since then, the churches have been overflowing.  For the first time in the country's history, they cancelled their Carnival celebration (the equivalent to our Marti-Gras).  Even despite many people turning back to God during the aftermath of the earthquake, many Haitians' prayer is for more and more people to turn their lives to God.  There is still work to be done, but God is active and moving in the country of Haiti.  We were reminded that even the best of media coverage does not tell the whole story, and completely leaves out what is happening spiritually. 

As the saying goes "The night is always darkest right before the dawn".  The earthquake of 2010 was certainly a dark day in Haiti, but a new dawn has come, and we are grateful for the chance to learn of it.

The Haitian Nation (Social and Spiritual Openness)

Social and Spiritual Openness

An aspect of the Haitian culture that stood out to us was their openness.  One of the first things we were told in preparation for our time in the Haitian culture was that we should throw personal space out the window.  More than just a higher comfort level when it comes to personal space, we experienced a higher level of social and spiritual openness.  Now, I'm no expert in Haitian culture from visiting Port-Au-Prince for one week, and my general observations are going to be a result of my experience.

As foreigners, we wanted to try our best to follow the social norms of the culture.  We were a bit concerned about how we were interacting with the Haitians we met on the street and the children at VBS.  We wondered to ourselves, what does a Haitian man think if an American woman starts a conversation with him?  What does a parent of a child think if their child is sitting on a strange American's lap?  So we asked one of our translators when it is appropriate to talk to someone and when it is not.  His response clarified much of the Haitian culture in our minds.  He said that you can go up and talk to anyone at any time!  It doesn't matter if you are a man talking to a 3 year old girl, or a woman speaking with a single man, it is socially acceptable and people do not read into the interaction (as we in the U.S. probably would).  In comparison to our American culture, the Haitians are much more comfortable in conversation with each other, even with strangers.  

Not only do the Haitians have an openness when it comes to social interactions, they also have an openness about their spirituality.  It was very common to see buses, tap-taps (pick up trucks used for transportation), and signs that were blatantly God-focused.  "Thank You Jesus", "Merci Jesus", and other simple praises were all around us.  Could you imagine the fuss people would have in the states if people plastered their praises to God on their vehicles?  By walking the streets, you would certainly think that Haiti is a "Christian Nation" with all the praises and scripture references.

When we talked to people on the streets about God, EVERYONE engaged in conversation with us and was very quick to have a spiritual conversation.  People were very open to sharing their faith in God, as well as personal prayer request with complete strangers.