10 things I've learned from the first year of parenthood

Yesterday, my daughter Eden turned one.  Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been reflecting on the past year and wrote some things down that I have learned since becoming a father.  Perhaps you are a young parent yourself, or are going to be soon.  I hope that as I share it will be helpful for you to hear a few things that I’ve learned during the first year of parenthood.

Before I begin though, I have to say, these are just my experiences.  I promise you this is not another “HERE IS WHAT EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO DO AND EXPERIENCE OR THEY ARE WRONG” blog post.  Parenthood is not a one-size-fits-all experience, as everyone’s situation is different.  All I can do is share from my experience.  If nothing else, it has been helpful for me to pause during this season and simply reflect.  

So, here they are.  10 things I’ve learned from the first year of parenthood.

10) Almost everything changes

As parenthood was approaching, many people told us that everything changes when the baby comes.  We found that to be mostly true.  Almost everything does change.  It has been the biggest adjustment in my life so far (even more so than marriage).  My schedule changed, priorities changed, sleeping habits changed, ability to eat hot meals together changed, and many other things.  My recommendation is to embrace it.  Embrace the change.  Be okay with it.  Life as a parent is different, and it should be.  You most likely will be frustrated if you don’t accept this major change and try to maintain the same priorities you had before parenthood.

9) There is always something to worry about

Kristi and I would often say to each other, “There is always something.”  There was rarely (if at all) a week during Eden’s first year when everything was going great for her.  There always seemed to be an issue to worry about, whether it was her eating, her sleeping, her pooping (or lack thereof), her teething, her catching colds, you name it.  There was always something to worry about, and we are still learning what to truly be concerned about, and what doesn’t require our attention.

8) Accept the help of others

If you are anything like me, this does not come naturally to you.  I am wired to want to be able to do things on my own.  “I’m the husband/dad and it’s my responsibility” is what I thought a lot.  Yet, there were many people in our lives that truly wanted to help us.  I came to realize that it is actually a blessing to the helpers to help, and truth be told there were some days when we really needed it and couldn’t do it on our own.  If there is a family member or a friend who is wanting to help, my advice would be to find something practical to do.  It will be a blessing to you and to them.

7) There will be times when you don’t know what to do

Kristi and I are two pretty smart people.  We are both college graduates.  And yet, there were days and weeks when we felt completely powerless to make decisions about Eden’s care.  Before parenthood, I was rarely in situations where I really had no idea what to do.  There were many times when we didn't know the right thing to do to care for Eden, or even how to go about making decisions.  In fact, we had medical professionals telling us to do exact opposite things!  How are we supposed to make a decision when the professionals we are supposed to trust are telling us polar opposite solutions?  

I would often get frustrated at myself because I didn’t know what to do.  I would think to myself, “Seriously, there are idiots in this world who are parents, and you can’t figure this out?”.  There are still times when I don’t know what to do, but I suppose I’m more content with that now.  Parenthood is a journey of good and bad decisions, and I will be learning as I go.

 6) Google is your best and worst friend

We live in interesting times.  At no other point in the history of humanity has so much information been so easily accessible.  Inevitably, if you ever experience #7, you will be tempted to seek out answers on the internet.  I must admit, we have found very good advice through the net on how to care for Eden.  One particular connection helped us to identify something that no doctor could identify.  BUT, it has also added a lot of confusion.  You can find any opinion imaginable about every parenting issue.  My advice would be to learn when it is good to seek out information, and when to just trust your gut and make decisions that you think are best (whether good or bad).

5) It’s easy to overlook your spouse

I had heard this was a possibility, but I was surprised as to how easily this happens.  Eden was a challenging infant that required an incredible amount of Kristi’s and my attention.  Our whole world revolved around trying to keep her healthy.  As we were so focused on Eden, there were times when we were not looking to the needs of each other.  I can now see how having children can actually divide a marriage instead of unite it.  I am learning that I need to be intentional with giving Kristi my energy and attention in addition to helping care for Eden. 

 4) Have a plan, and be willing to change it

There are a million different parenting strategies.  You have the Baby-Wise camp, the Attachment camp, the All-Natural camp, and everything in between.  Making decisions all day every day is exhausting, so it’s good to have a strategy that can guide and make your decisions consistent.  We found that it was incredibly helpful for us to have a plan, BUT we had to change it.  There were things that simply weren’t working for us as parents or for Eden in our plan.  One of my biggest pieces of advice is that it is okay to change your plan.  Also, don’t listen to people who claim that their way of parenting is the only way.  It may work well for them, and that’s great.  But it may not work for you, your spouse, or your child.  Plans are great, but you can and should adapt them when situations arise or it’s not working for your personalities.

3) Its very tempting to play the comparison game

This is one of the most surprising things that I have learned.  It is incredibly easy to play the parenthood comparison game.  

Why does their baby weigh more?  
Have you heard that baby sleeps through the night already?  
I can’t believe she’s walking already!  
Why does their baby eat better than mine?  
Those people seem so confident in their parenting.  I wish I was.
Why doesn’t our daughter have any teeth yet when _______ has 10! 

The comparison questions and observations are endless.  What I’ve come to realize is this - God gave us Eden.  He didn’t give us any other baby in the world; He gave us Eden.  To play the comparison game is for me to be discontent with the child God has given us.  You can always find a baby who is doing ‘better’ or is further along developmentally than yours.  It’s simply wasted mental energy.  Be content with the fact that every baby is different, and God has given you the exact one He wants you to care for.

 2) God uses parenthood to sanctify us

The last year was the hardest of my life so far.  I feel like I’m not supposed to say that because its taboo or something, but it’s the raw truth.  It occurred to me that the difficulty I was experiencing was not some sort of mistake made by God.  For some reason, God designed raising infants to be difficult.  I think that it is His way of sanctifying us.  God has taught me a lot about Himself, about my wife, and about myself.   I truly never knew how selfish I was until I became a dad.  God has been painfully peeling back layers of my selfishness through the responsibilities of fatherhood.  Although this last year was a season of difficulty, I can stomach it because I know that I have a loving Father who intends on sanctifying and cleansing me through the challenges I face in fatherhood. 

1) I love my wife, and I love my daughter

Although its been a hard year, it has been a life-giving year.  I’ve discovered a whole new type of love since Eden was born.  My love for her grows each day, and I cannot imagine my life without her.  My love for my wife has also grown in new ways.  I loved her as by bride, and now I also love her as the mother of my child.  Walking with her through the challenges of the first year has shown me her unwavering love for Eden, her strength, her resolve, her beauty, and her sacrificial spirit.  The dynamics of our marriage have changed, but for the better.  She is my hero, my love, my bride.

There are days when I don’t feel that I know many things, but I do know this: I love my wife, and I love my daughter.  I am so grateful to be on this journey with them.